Radiation: G-d's Own Video Game

To begin with, nobody actually invented radium. G-d put it on this earth for the Curies to discover, which of course they did. They had not know how toxic it was; only G-d knew that.

Later, Einstein believed he was gazing into "the eye of G-d" when he happened upon e=mc2; maybe he was only gazing into the spectacles of G-d with his own self-congratulatory reflection bouncing back because no doubt G-d already knew the death and destruction that that little formula could bring about. (Poor mortal man was to find out soon enough.)

Anyway therapeutic radiation set-ups are much more preternatural than human in nature. (I.e., like radium and emc2, it seems that radiological equipment was put on this earth by G-d for the smarter of us mortals to discover and the unluckier of us to be zapped with.)The grids, the curves, the faux-planetarium look to the whole thing speak more of G-d than of the medical profession. The rumblings of the gigantic moving devices sound like gently rolling thunder for which one is tempted to say a special prayer; the precisely elegant movements of the grossly inelegant pieces of equipment amaze rather than terrify the poor supine patient.

"What about stray radiation?" the patient asks, clutching her thyroid.

"Isn't any," is the reply of the technician, as she runs out of the treatment room.

"Eyes opened or closed?" one asks beneath the lattice-work mask.

"Doesn't matter," comes the reply from the next room.

So I am on my own in the middle of some Cosmic Fantasy game, where the biggest fantasy of all seems to be that I am actually being treated for cancer.

How to Start Becoming a Person Again

1.Take a full bath and scrub off the remains of the bandages from kidney surgery.
2.Wash your hair and resign yourself to a scalp that is lined with titanium mesh. (Nobody will know if you don't tell them.)
3.Worry about mundane things like floods.
4.Look forward to your first radiation session. Just a big bunch of sunshine all ready to heal you. (You won't even need any messy sunscreen!)
5.Be overjoyed about driving your own self to the session in your own car.
6.Enjoy the fact that you can focus on television again. (Be glad that the return of focus occured at a very good time: just when that sleaze bag Imus is being dumped - finally.)
7.Reacquaint yourself with the Sunday Times. (Unfortunately Iraq is still around to continue to drag you down.)
8.Pay bills.
9.Go food shopping.
10.Continue to believe in G-d and His powers to heal.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel...

... let down your hair! Let the Dr. Anants and the Dr. Gliedmans of the world decide how much head should be irradiated and thus how much hair should be lost and from where!

Before my emergency head surgery, they made a frenzied attempt at shaving the back of my head. The result was a quasi-crew cut. I just made an equally disjointed attempt at "hairstyling" the rest of my head with thinning scissors and snipping scissors: I look like hell. (Won't even mention how many colors, fake and real, still reside in my scalp.)

So on Monday I will begin six weeks of focused radiation (to the spot from which the clot and cancer cells were removed). Ironically, my full-service hair salon is right down the street from the radiation facility. HAHAHA!

In short I am already beyond recognition.

So - another re-make of Life Is Beautiful is in order, no? (What's that crazy manic Italian guy's name? I need him here on Monday to tango me to my first radiological session.)

Mandy Matters

1Does Mandy create pandamonium in the playground?

2.Would Mandy be a pandacea for a kid who has no siblings? or a kid who has no pets?

3.Mischievious
Apple of her grandma's eye
Naughty but nice
Darling
Yentala, at times. (Aren't we all?)

4.Love is a mandy splendid thing.

5.Mandy : bamboo :: Jeffy : sushi

6.Baby gift: a 2x4 picture frame to accommodate a picture of a stick of butter

7.Mandy ripped a pair of spandax jogging pants. Gotta get her a new pair.

8.Mandy Haiku: Mandy our sweet pet
Mandy my granddaugther too
O Mandy, Mandy, what are you?

Affirmations

1.Cancer does not mean death.

2.Wigs can be very stylish.

3.I will be more spiritual and wiser because of this experience with cancer.

4,My body can fight the cancer if I am calm.

5.Cancer has a meaning. (See S.Sontag, "Illness as Metaphor.")

6.It is possible to live well with only one kidney.

7.I must embrace radiation as a healing agent.

8. I did not give cancer to Jeffrey in utero or during breatfeeding.

9.I will live to see lovely pandchildren.

10.Tranquilizers facilitate positive thinking.

Cancer:Stages

1.Shock - I am under water. Despite the ocean in my ears, I can still vaguely hear people trying to talk to me about cancer. The following lines:"The stiff heart questions,/"Was it He that forebore/And yesterday or centuries before?" (See Emily Dickinson) keep intoning inside of what appears still to be my mind.

2.Denial - They are trying to relate the cancer to me; but they are obviosuly wrong.

3.Bargaining - I will be the best person in the world if they will only stop connecting the cancer with my name!

4.Depression - If I shut down, I will not feel the terrible pain. I will not even have to care how old and ugly and wrinkled I am
becoming from weeping and frowning all the time, Nobody will care; not even me. (Ah,depression!).

5.Anger - Why me?

6.Acceptance - I am in for the fight of my life.

7.Bitterness - Why me? (Revisited in a slightly less hysterical manner.)

ALIVE!

Results of biopsies from March 20th kidney removal wwent okay!!!

Today...

...a weird mask to be used during radiation therapy was molded to my face and neck. The decision was made just to do radiation to the known site of the cancer cells; this decision may have to be expanded to include more of the head later on, but right now partial radiation is all my weak body, soul and mind can tolerate.

I begin radiation treatments on April 16.

Meanwhile we are all grateful to have been delivered to yet another season of the Passover miracle.

Questions Du Jour

1.Why is this night different from every other night? (Sorry - one day early!)
2.Should I submit to radiation of my entire head or just to treatment of the known site of cancer cells?
3.How crazy will I become from the cortisone that will be administered to prevent swelling of the brain from radiation?
4.Are trigger fingers signs of bone cancer?
5.Will the diuretic I now take for blood pressure cause cancer in the remaining kidney?
6.Does Sloan-Kettering really have valuable information that they are keeping from the rest of the medical community?
7.How will I make it through the rest of the day without becoming desperately depressed and making everyone around me even more miserable than they already are?
8.What should I do about my neck? (WHO CARES?)
9.Will I live to participate in the wedding?
10.Why is all this happening?